Sassinoogi's Blog

Flames Again…

sassinoogi — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 04:51:33 +0000

http://grooveshark.com/s/Flames/2pHIP6?src=5

Close your eyes let me touch you now
Let me give you something that is real
Close the door leave your fears behind
Let me give you what you’re giving me
You are the only thing that makes me want to live at all
When I am with you there’s no reason to pretend
That when I am with you I feel flames again
Just put me inside you I would never ever leave
Just put me inside you I would never ever leave you

This song has been resonating with me for some time now. It initially was the sound of the cello in this song that ripped my heart out and made me understand what the author’s intent was. Love is painful, yet so effortless all in one and as the cello lyrically played the melody, it explained this to my soul. It made my entire understanding of love collaborate with what I had previously assumed. I fear love so gravely to the point that I question anyone who could offer it, only rendering in return my regrets. How is it that lamentation of my first experience has only yet made me yearn for it to a much more intent extent that I could never possibly put into words? Ah, but I do not have to. The voice of that cello said it all. Then looking over the words to the song after my conversation with the cello put it all to rest. Love is never exhausted…so when you move on with your life and attempt it again, remember to just “put me inside you I will never ever leave”…if you truly allow yourself to love–it does, indeed, resonate within you for the rest of your life, and if true to itself, will never be in vain. Love like there is nothing to lose…

Something I found that I wrote from Sept. 2010

sassinoogi — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 05:01:39 +0000

Sitting, alone, in that moment must have been something of an epiphany for me. For one, being a full-time mother, wife, and friend is difficult in itself let alone have a moment to sit and think. Thinking—what a luxury! Not just any kind of thinking, either—the typically useless train of mumbo jumbo that wistfully travels through the chaotic , city streets of our minds—but the reflective, soul-searching sort. Sipping my coffee and listening to my mother vent her frustrations with a cool breeze soothing my hot skin must have been the best set up on this particular morning, at that, particular moment. It was a relaxing bit and as we all know, relaxation leads to an open mind. The train had much more room, now, to wander endlessly, traveling only God knows exactly where. A mind this open could mean danger, running off of the tracks or even worse—self reflection. Those thoughts that can begin to help you understand a person better can be a dicey tool for one’s self. I have contemplated many times over the reasoning behind others’ actions, but not so much of my own. I was half listening to mom when something she said struck me particularly different this time. My entire life I have known my parents to be unusually frequent squabblers. They fought over everything and more dramatically over-what seemed to me as a child and teenager-petty things such as who took whose lighter or smoking the other’s cigarettes. It was the norm in my home for them to be at each other’s throats on an almost daily basis. After some time, my brother, sisters, and myself would become indifferent and numb to the scraps, even those that would escalate to full-blown shouts and tantrums. She had been talking about how my dad was confused (mid-life crisis, perhaps?) and the potential to take him back again loomed over the conversation. The truth of the matter was that I had no intentions on the discussion going in this direction, even after what seemed a hundred times that the parents had split “for good”. What should have been the normal “I hate you, please come back” situation seemed oddly out of sorts. It couldn’t have been the pitiful voice that dominated my mother since that was a standard in this situation. I am almost sure it wasn’t the tears that you could “see” coating the receiver of her phone, either. Both were typical during separations of my parents. Here I am, nearly thirty years into my life, listening to my mother vent about the latest conniption and reflecting on it. What makes this time different and terribly saddening? The very reason that she is venting to me is the same reason, when I was young, that they were arguing now. What made this time so unusual? For whatever reason, this time it made me wonder what kind of setting one would have to be in place in order to configure a person’s mind to allow thirty years of misery and mistrust. I have certainly never taken enough psychology classes in my life to be able to delve in and analyze every piece much less give my mother the best advice; so, a mere observation along with an educated guess is about as good as it gets. I have found it more beneficial to be dumping grounds than a psychologist. Isn’t it funny how people would rather throw out the garbage than recycle it? It seems to me that it is better to take what you have and find better uses for it than a landfill, but is it not easier to put everything in one container and then take out that one container? I then begin to wonder about myself and if I am truly taking my garbage and recycling it. A furiously overwhelming thought takes a hold of my inner being: what if I am a dumper? Dear, God! Have I allowed myself to be a myriad of those that I despise, the profane class of “dumpers”? These people are weak, unfortunate failures! The entire point to life is taking a journey forward, not a journey that maintains your place in this world. Before the panic can begin to set in, I jaunted my memory. I went back to the earliest of my days, when I can recollect my first cognitive thoughts. The first step in gaining perspective on your mortal being is stepping onto the path of that which has been—the past.

sassinoogi — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 05:34:35 +0000

Have you ever felt the happiness inside of you and find yourself afraid? It seems so very difficult to find true happiness in a world filled with such a substantial amount of disarray. Qualms over the feeling of happiness persist, causing me to doubt that the emotion even exists, an entity that was fathomed by my optimistic, perhaps deranged mind. The events of this life will encumber the tangible nature of the very essence of happiness. However, when I feel it, I attempt to embrace it, with every ounce that I have to the point that I could very well suffocate that which has brought me peace, inadvertently pushing away what makes me elated.
My dad said if you can be yourself and be accepted that way, that is love…I may have to agree with that because there is nothing more gratifying than knowing that you can be “you” and are not going to have to concern yourself with if you will measure up. I am sure that I have felt happiness many times in my life, however I have had my love masked by the pain of this world, made jaded, because of the inequities of others. Letting go is the hard part and allowing new to step in has been profoundly difficult. Accepting that it is real is even more of a feat. Love is not easy, nor can you sugar-coat its true meaning. It makes you sick, it makes you sad, but it will also bring you the most joy. It is, by far, the most encompassing of all emotions–learning to allow it to live to its fullest is the tricky part…

“There is no remedy for love except to love more…” ~Henry D. Thoreau

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return” ~ Nat King Cole

“All you need is love” ~Beatles

Scepticism will destroy…pain will defeat…but only love can overcome all. Accepting this will be a challenge, but allowing it to intervene will inevitably bring me peace again.

Torn

sassinoogi — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:15:09 +0000

Pulling me down like quicksand, swimming through; nothing to grasp, nothing to stop it all from happening. Believing the lies while allowing them to draw the backbone out of me. Not understanding the feelings and not being able to sort out the details…grief–it has me running away. In all of the chaos, in all of the dark, I see a sprinkle of radiance, making me smitten. God, I am frightened…now knowing what direction to run except away, but not even sure of what I am running from. All I know at this point is that the life I have been leading is a hollow and pointless venture. I am sickened by who I am, sickened by those around me, and sickened by the efforts that have been deemed otiose. I am tired of being so heavyhearted, but the strong urge to be happy will almost have me in a constant state of what seems like being bi-polar. I desire happiness to the point of denial, yet deny that I am happy all the same. I have issues with the trust in my life–not wanting to trust. However, I want so badly to trust that I am angered. I have lost myself. Who am I? Who are those around me?

This much I know:

I desire to be desired; I love to be loved; I trust so that I trust; I am open to be open with; I want a best friend with whom I can spend nights staring at the stars, watching time move slowly across the sky.

I hope and pray for better days, yet taking the steps to that are more blurred than ever and each step feels right and wrong all the same. I just want to step off the side of a cliff, die, and start all over–erasing the pain I have endured and the pain I have inflicted. A new life, afresh.

One statement that resonates with me this week is “stop looking to the sky”. I am sorry, but that is where I stay…in the clouds…

Sins…?

sassinoogi — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 03:54:46 +0000

I just got back from church and left feeling, again, empty. Something tells me that this lack of feeling is a signal of a real problem. Have I allowed life to consume me so much so that I can no longer accept the beauty of the world that God has given? Music, colors, sun, sky, and my children? How many times this week have I taken an ounce of my time to really, really look into the eyes of my children? They come to me everyday, looking at me–assuming that every move I make will be exclusively for them. It inadvertently is, however there is no longer any thought behind it. Which, again…concerns me.

I am CONSUMED by the stress and sins surrounding me. I can no longer live a lie…live the way I have been the past 6 months of my life. I have allowed my guard to crumble and in spite of my attempts to keep it from falling, it continued to come apart, piece by piece. The more intense that the fighting and frustrations in my life became, the more vulnerable I had become. Allowing myself to live believing that the facade would save me from the rest of the world only made me more a fool. It sometimes feels like you are safe–but, in fact, the mind can be very convincing. I would be on one end persuading myself that everything would be ok and to hold strong–the other side was saying in the classic mob voice “ah, forget about it”…

Pervasive are my emotions, confused by love–allowing myself to do it, but wary all at the same time. New love replaces old and yet is oddly familiar–where I feel safe, warm, happy and cherished. Is that the wolf in sheep’s clothing and I am doomed to love in vain? Or is it a true grapple of what I was always supposed to feel and I have put the sheep in wolf’s clothing? Sometimes feeling something different and uncomfortable is good because being used to what we know pinches the very capacity out of life. I tend to fall into the routine, but now that I am making the change to move past, I am scared and exuberant all at the same time. The only thing I hate is fighting for what I want…doting someone who is doted. The dotee is also doted, but lamenting over the fact.

He who rejects change is the architect of decay…

sassinoogi — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 04:11:47 +0000

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it’s in the right direction.” ~Winston Churchill

Change can be such a complicated word. It can lead us in so many varying directions. Sometimes we find ourselves facing reform unexpectedly and often times not down the path we would have chosen on our own. Ultimately, we do determine our destiny, but it is also the series of choices we make when surprises surface. I have learned over the years that there is a certain amount of change that must be accepted in order to adapt to this world. The perception of this change is imperative in order to survive. It’s accepting the change, whether good or bad, that gets us through. In most instances, we do not know what the right direction is and the fear of either direction can be overwhelming. However, one thing I know for certain: allowing familiarity only overshadows the possibilities of beauty that lie within change. I feel that our concern of failure will keep us from so many possibilities.

Right now I am feeling the fear of the changes that I am about to undertake. New territory is frightening, uncharted and new….the adventure begins now. Rather than feeling lost in the wilderness, I am trying to maintain focus on the raw experiences and feelings of vulnerability as exhilarating and fun. I much rather feel adventure than the latter…sadness, emptiness, redundancy…

I charted my path as a child with dreams of a fairytale, bold and beautiful. I would serve my partner like a king, expecting nothing, but receiving the same in return because he, too, wanted nothing more than to make me happy. I never once expected the choices we made together to not bring us closer, rather push us away, as if we have slowly wedged the force of change in our midst. It was unintentional, of course, and I most certainly have not experienced that fairytale. Perhaps it was that fairytale that brought about expectations that were unrealistic…or perhaps it’s the fairytale that sets the standard to which my happiness will thrive. However, I know that the route I am on is no where near the direction of my fairytale and if I am going to live anywhere near that standard, I must make the changes I can control, and accept those things that I cannot (great quote, by the way).

I am going to leave this blog with a thought, a song that resonates in my heart right now…

It always felt the same
Like a shadow
Like a black cold in your veins
He took the best years
In a nightmare
He was right there in everything –
The demon in your dreams

CHORUS
But you did, you did
You did everything right
Yeah, you did, you did
You did everything right

It became in him
Like a spell
Left a thin shell on his frame
He said love doesn’t leave —
Is love a kind lie?
Is love a blind eye on your pain?
Cause your love won’t make him change

CHORUS

What’s wrong, what’s right?
Will you lay down your life?
Go on, hold tight
But don’t you lay down and die
This is not your fight
You can’t always make things right
You already tried
You did everything right
Yeah, You did, you did

~Ellery

Listen:

http://ellery.bandcamp.com/track/you-did-everything-right

Paradise Isle

sassinoogi — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 05:45:27 +0000

Ever wonder if what goes through your head is legitimate or if it’s the rubbish planted there by the outside influences of the world? At some point or another, the odiousness of this life will manage to plant itself deep within your soul, making you feel damn near crazy. Crying out for help seems only to lend itself to further discussion and back-stabbing. Not exactly what is desired in a time of emotional need, now is it? As Sarah McLachlan said, “Where every tongue is wagging
When every back is turned Their telling secrets that should never be revealed There’s nothing to be gained from this But disaster..Here’s a good one..Did you hear about my friend He’s embarrassed to be seen now because we all know his sins”. I am no exception to the impediment of this rule…even my own tongue wagging has botched the pathway which I have worked so adamantly to keep clean. The offspring of such has only made me look all the more ignorant, causing me to doubt myself, my judgement, self worth…the last line of that quote resonates with me. Have I managed to assassinate my marriage because I needed to expound my emotions to another soul? Or, was my marriage already gone and I have been walking with the ghost and talking to the devil?

This leads me back to the original thought: the mind of one’s self–can you trust it? Can we truly know what we feel or think when the files within are so jumbled that even Sherlock Holmes himself could not ascertain the true answers that we are everyday attempting to convince ourselves of? I feel enveloped in pure confetti within the depths of my mind. Although beautiful, it distracts me, and takes away from the actual events taking place right in front of my eyes. Often times what we may think is beautiful is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, luring us in and tempting us away from the reality of our situations. Then again, if you are focused enough, all the world could come tumbling down around you and you would NEVER once notice because you are so truly, deeply, madly and completely engulfed with bliss and contentment. Minds are powerful…is mine so much so that it has convinced me that my grass is green when there is none?!

Stolen

sassinoogi — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 21:16:55 +0000

Much like a story book, our lives take twists and turns that always end up catching us by surprise. We never know where the next page will lead us. Often times we do not anticipate that the next page will be obscured with pain and frustration; we don’t even think about the “what ifs”.

I am looking now upon my current situation as a novel. There have been moments so beautiful that the mere thought of the memory makes the very essence of my being well up with warmth and peace. However, right now, I am inside the storm, unable to see in the far distance from the cloud of torment that has taken over my soul. This point in my life is so difficult that I have found it arduous to even do the very simple of tasks. Waking up brings about feelings of such intense discomfort that I have prayed to God to take away how I feel, even if only for a moment. It is especially frightening because the entire situation is out of my control. I can only control how I feel or how I react-nothing more. Oh, to feel one ounce of peace! I close my eyes and attempt to clear my mind with thoughts of sweet repose.

At what point can you ever prepare yourself for frustration and anger of this magnitude? They never teach you in school to suppress the anger resulting from the fear of losing what is rightfully yours when it pertains to love. “It’s the bitter taste of losing everything that I’ve held so dear” (Sarah McLachlan, Fallen, Afterglow Album 2003). That line holds so true in my life and continues to resonate in my mind. Love is described as gentle, kind, non-jealous or boastful, and love does not seek revenge…however I absolutely cannot concur with that statement. When the bond of love is broken by an entity of any manner, the very definition does a 180. Love becomes an aversion deriving from the fear of losing itself. The taste of lost love IS bitter and who wouldn’t want to sugar-coat a situation to be able to stomach it? The outlets we seize in order to attempt to slip through the pain hastily are not always the best nor always reflect the greatest judgement.

Being in my shoes has done one thing that I can say for certain that is beneficial. It has brought about new insight upon a world that was relatively complacent. You cannot truly understand everyone and the rational behind their actions until you have lived in their space for a single moment. When I asked God to give me His eyes, I received exactly what I asked for. I was pulled out of my situation and placed into a world of uncertainty which has inadvertently caused me to make decisions outside of any that I have EVER had to make before; a situation so tense that it has transformed me into the person that I do not desire nor do I care to be. I have decided to take a step back and re-evaluate what I have sitting in front of me. I now know where my priorities and focus should be.

“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”

Frustrations–posting from Nov 2009

sassinoogi — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:29:25 +0000

Blogging has not exactly been at the top of my list lately. Especially when there are a million and one things that I have put on my plate. I am so overwhelmed with things to do that my plate reflects complete gluttony. Here is how it works:

There are the meat and potatoes of my life: my job. For the sake of reality, I am using the senses to create a more understandable sense of how I feel about that [my job]. It is like eating burnt steak hot off the grill while knowing that it is the only thing left in the kitchen to eat and no money to buy any more. You’re completely stuck eating it or else you will starve. Every solitary bite makes me cringe and my eyes water. When I swallow, it scratches the lining of my esophagus then dropping into the stomach like a lead weight. Ouch.

Then there is the vegetables: necessary, but not particularly fond…homework. Going to finish my degree (associates–whoop dee doo) in the next four weeks. It is nearly every night, taking bites of the steamed veggies. They lack flavor (darn, no butter? No garlic…sheesh) but tolerable.

Finally, dessert. Um, yes. Dessert. At least three-four times weekly I get to chow down ona helping of music. Some dessert is better than others,but overall, it really hits the spot.

But did you notice? Where is the water? The very essence of our being consists mostly of water. Water is my family. I have seriously been lacking the nutritional benefits of rehydrating myself with the love and comfort of my children and husband. It is so frustrating because I brought this on myself. Scarfing down every bite of food has left me so damned thirsty, but I want to hurry to the next meal. I take a drink here and there, but never really enough. Something that never happened before caught my attention: it talked back one day. Yes, my water has splashed my face, giving it a good, hard wake up call. My kids cry almost every time I walk back out that door to get to my next destination. That hurt.

It is the kind of hurt that you can feel in your blood–you know, the ache? Nearly the same frivolous feeling, but with a serious, pain-staking edge.

Human Misfortune–It’s our own fault…

sassinoogi — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:46:21 +0000

So, I just got off of the phone with my always politically pumped father who believes against all things “established”. His latest tantrum has fired up a series of sparks [thoughts] that were already popping up in my mind. It started Sunday–I listened to a guest speaker at church that brought concession to my already semi-rebellious religious views. Religion is one big scam; God created man, man created religion. Bottom line. What good has religion itself brought to us? Of coarse, if you are a religious person, you can provide a list of good things, however my question is “what part of those good things did man create? What part of those good things make a man feel free?” The true exquisiteness in this world come free; no obligations to pray, no hail Mary’s, no being sent to Hell because you don’t tithe your 10% or curse…those are religious rules and regulations. God did not manifest those commandments. The ten commandments are not tangible and God provided us those as a means of lifestyle. Those are instilled in every man who does, by the very nature of himself, want to follow with or without the religious trademarks. We are born sinners–the child himself is not a sinner, but rather born into sin, therefore making the child inevitably a sinner by his very species.

My feelings are only reiterated by thinking of the most pure time in the existence of time: the Garden of Eden. There were no dictators, no popes, preachers, no presidents, kings or queens. Capitalism did not exist nor did government. It was a time of unadulterated, unalloyed, unclouded, undiluted, unmingled happiness and peace. Because we screwed it up so badly, God sent Jesus to send a message to mankind: Let there be peace. Yet, nobody listened. The true Christian is said to be by the thesaurus as follows: clean, conscientious, correct, decent, elevated, equitable, fair, fitting, good, high-principled, honest, honourable, humane, just, kosher, moralistic, noble, principled, proper, respectable, right, right-minded, square, straight, true blue, upright, upstanding, virtuous. Do you know a single person that calls themselves a Christian or a follower of Christ who truly can be defined by every one of these virtues? Truly, not one person can–not even the Pope himself. This brings me to the point: if we can only enter Heaven without sin, then every one of us is doomed to the oppression of the depths of Hell. So, our Answer, Jesus, was sent to us to save us from this and by accepting Him, we will have everlasting life because we are free, but only through Him. This, to me, doesn’t sound like the God and Jesus that I have come to know and understand. Put it this way–you are told that you have no choice but to throw any of your children that does not obey every rule and believe in your rules into a pit of venomous, hungry snakes. Then, you must stand there and watch them suffer and die. Tell me this: would you make that rule if that were the only result for punishment or would you forgive their trespasses and assist them through their trials NO MATTER WHAT THEY DID WRONG? That is the God I know. He will be there for us no matter how bad we get, especially knowing that the sin we partake of is the very result of our own digression. The God I know looks upon every human in time as a child–ignorant and unknowing of what consequences lie ahead for the mistakes they make and loving each one of us regardless of our religion, color, race, sexual preference, sick and twisted thoughts, how many murders we committed, how many people we have harmed…that is God. That is God.

Now, my next point: America–founded on the principles of Christianity. Refer to the definitions above. Christian nation? I think not. The very core of the American Dream involves lots and lots of spending. If you can’t spend, then you have to fight your way through society to do such. Lie, cheat, steal–we all do it. Little white lie here, little white lie there. It’s okay–throw that co-worker under the bus. It’s not a crime…right? Tell on this person or that person–they had it coming anyway. For those of us who have decided to follow the rules and laws of this country and the principles of “wholeness” have found nothing. I spend my days working for a company that does not care about anything but the bottom line. Sure, go ahead and miss a day or two–we won’t fire you, but we will reprimand you when you return. That is the way all companies function. BP is the big one in the news right now. They didn’t care about anything but the bottom line, the profits, the wealth. Use their mistake as a guide. The U.S. works much like BP. Spend money and who cares about where it comes from, even if it’s from thin air. God forbid we stop pumping oil! Oh, no…look how many jobs we lose. Yeah, well, look how many lives we will save, how much money the everyday American would save…an electric car charged with 100% free WIND. There will be an industry in windmill and electric car repair. Even still, screw making money. How about we all just live to live?

Another “rave”…Socialism? What is so bad about it? What good has capitalism done? The same good that established religion has done including the Christian religious community. None of this works. Communism doesn’t work, democracy doesn’t work, capitalism doesn’t work…none of it does. Religion and money have been the founders of our woes and frustrations and giving us freedom to use both in the way we choose to is only providing us a road to destruction. All of the wars and the troops that are dying to preserve our “rights”…the rich do not care. They want us to play as little pawns in their game so that they can win. It’s a shame to have so many die in vain. One we can die for is Jesus. If extremists choose to kill in the name of God, Allah, or Whomever, then they have become part of the cycle. America is the head of an extremist party and our army is part of their game. We are dying for our country, but what have we died for? A country that leaves their poor to remain poor if they follow the rules just right? A country that destroys other countries for not following their ways? A country that applauds the rich who can only get there by stepping on a few or even quite a few? Socialism…hmmm. Doesn’t involve stepping on anyone. Just living in peace. Oh, didn’t I just talk about that [Garden of Eden]? See, Jesus was socialist; He was liberal. Oh–yes. I did just say it. Go look up the definitions of both of those words. You will see what I mean. I am sorry, but capitalism doesn’t entail any essence of Jesus or God; nor does religion. This country is not the establishment of God’s work. Religion is not the establishment of God’s work.

This is human. Human misfortune and it’s our own fault.